You Are Beautiful :)

           

           The power of words is strong. You could call a child beautiful when they’re young and continue doing so until they are adults, and they’ll believe it. You could call a child ugly when they’re young and continue doing so until they are adults, and they’ll believe it. I was the latter.

            When I was young child, I was called names. I think the name they used most was ugly.  Of course, they were kidding. But even though they were kidding, they still said it, and it still hurt. I’m not going to name any names because I don’t want them to feel guilty, but it was people I was close to. 

           I mean, as a young child I could understand. My teeth grew in every which way, my hair was a ratted mess. I could understand that they called me that, but it did not give them any right to. No child or adult should ever be called ugly because we were made in God’s image. If you call someone ugly, you are calling God ugly. But it stuck with me. 

           Growing up. I had the lowest self-esteem. It was hard for me to feel pretty, even when I was dressed up in my best. I felt like all they could focus on was my teeth. I smiled all the time, but I was so self-conscious. I begged my mom to get me braces, but she kept telling me no because my older brother needed them as well. When I finally did get braces, I felt better about myself. 

           But it was a surface. Inwardly, I felt ugly. I believed them all. I was ugly. And no girl should ever feel the way I did. Not ever. I would often wonder why no boy ever liked me, and then I would look in the mirror and remember.

            I would post selfies (like any girl does), and get thousands of likes and compliments like “You’re so gorgeous!” “Pretty!” “GREAT pic!” “You are a lovely young lady!” One person in particular told me later on that they were sorry they called me ugly, and that they never ever should have said that because they were wrong. I’m not saying this to brag, I‘m telling you this because I didn't believe them. I still had the mindset that I wasn't pretty. That I wasn't beautiful.

            A couple of years ago, things began to change for me. I went on a weekend retreat with my church, and I had two college-aged girls as our leaders. One night they began talking about things they had struggled with, and one of the struggles was being beautiful. It hit me in the core, because I was struggling with that as well. 

           They mentioned a verse. Psalm 45:11. “The King is enthralled by your beauty, Honor Him for He is your Lord.” These girls loved on me, told me I was beautiful, and I was taken aback. Sure, people had told me I was pretty…but these girls were calling me beautiful. 

           They were telling me that the King of Kings was enthralled with me. Enthralled means: to hold the attention of (someone) by being very beautiful. The King of Kings thought I was beautiful?? It caught me so off guard. And it was kind of a revolutionary moment for me. Things began to look up. 

           I began to believe that I was beautiful. Sure, maybe not by the world’s standards, but I was beautiful in the eyes of the King. It has given me a new self-confidence. Sure, I’m still rebuilding all the years of damage, and the war is not over. It will never be over. But I’m putting up a fight against the world. 

  

           I’m shining my light for Jesus because He is the One who is there for me. He loves me when others do not. And because He loves me, I am able to love others. And I’m telling you (the reader) that no matter who you are, no matter what you look like, you are beautiful, and no one, no matter who they are, has the right to tell you otherwise.

No Work Today!!

     Woke up Friday morning, got dressed, and arrived at work (a.k.a. the shower house) about 8 am. We sat there for several minutes, and no one showed up. Then Maria, Karla, and Sarah came and began working. We asked what we could do, and soon I found myself cleaning sinks and mirrors. Easy stuff. 

     When we are finished with that, Hannah receives a text. “I’m so sorry. Change of plans, meet in the GE lobby at 2!” Hannah and I just look at each other. We leave and go back to the huts, and Hannah goes to sleep, but I lay there roughly about an hour and a half….finally going to sleep. 

     I was awakened by Hannah shouting out my name several times trying to wake me up. She told me we should go eat. So I hurried up and got ready, and we walked to the caf. I always anticipate what we are going to have…I try to guess. So as we approach the counter, to our dismay, it was Chick-fil-a. 

     Nothing is necessarily wrong with Chick-fil-a, but neither Hannah nor I were quite ready to eat it again. (We work at Chick-fil-a and eat it every day for those of you who don’t know) I ate my sandwich, which didn't taste nearly as good as the ones in the restaurant… We wait around in the caf and at 2pm, we go to the GE lobby. 

     There is a man in there waiting on us. He and I were roughly around the same age. His name is Britt and he shows us our schedule, tells us what to do and where to meet. This “meeting” lasted no more than 5 minutes. Turned out we were off that day, which was now our third day in a row to be off. 

     We basically just hung out around the caf for the next several, several hours. I think I was sitting in that booth for right around 5 hours or so…let me just say my back was hurting. My whole body was sooo achy…somehow we ended up by the coffee shop, where we stood around talking. 

     And then I started to get hungry, so I used a bike and rode back to the hut, grabbed some food, and grabbed my supply of bracelet making supplies. Upon my return to the caf, I gave Karen some food I had gotten for her, and then proceeded to go to the five girls. Jenni, Michelle, Sarah, Maria, and Karla. 

     I asked them if they would like to learn how to make bracelets, to which they replied yes. It was a fun process, teaching them. Thankfully, they all caught on very quickly, and by then end of the night, we all got along and they could make bracelets. As we were getting up to start getting ready for bed, a few things happened which I will not go into detail on here. 

     In a nutshell, someone started crying, and we ended up going to the prayer room for awhile. Even though I had to be up by 7:30am, the fact that I didn't go to bed until 2:30am didn't bother me. I was able to minister and be ministered to, and that was such a blessing. I wouldn't have traded that night for the world. 

The Mall

     We woke up around 9am and had to move all of our belongings to a hut. Unairconditioned. They have huge fans though, so there is a really nice breeze. Anyway, we move all of our things, and then get ready to hit the town. Karen and all her girls were off today, and our volunteer supervisor arranged for us all to go to the Tyler Mall. 

     So most of the volunteers go in a 15 passenger van, and I drive my sister’s car. I’m following the guy driving, and we are on the road for about 30 minutes when he makes a U-turn. We have to double back several miles to where he missed his turn. After nearly an hour in the car, we arrive at our destination. 

     The guy gets out and apologizes. I feel really bad to keep calling him “the guy”, but I don’t know what his name is…anyway, we get out of the cars, and decide to go eat lunch before we shop. There is an IHOP across the street (a really busy street), so we can’t just walk straight to it. 

     We begin making a long trek to the intersection, only to find there was no cross walk for pedestrians. So we had to go all the way back another block to another intersection, and cross there. The light only gave us about 10 seconds to cross, so we ran. Finally at IHOP. This restaurant was not built to be busy. 

     The entry way was a tiny hallway which led into a tiny reception area. There were 11 of us. It was a really tight fit. We only had to wait for about 15-20 minutes, and then we found a table where they put all of us together. I sat across from Karen and in between two of her boys, Oswaldo (14) and Rodolfo (16). 

     Everyone was speaking Spanish around me and I couldn't understand them. They would point at me, talk in Spanish, and then proceed to laugh. It wasn't funny. Wasn't funny at all. After IHOP, we go back across the street and head into the mall. It is about 1:30pm, and we would be here until 6:30pm. We would be staying for 5 hours. 

     And the mall wasn't that big. I thought for sure we would have plenty of down time. But no. We shopped until we dropped. Well, I didn't. But everyone else did. Karen kept going on about how cheap the prices were, and then proceeded to buy everything!! Okay, okay, not everything. To be honest, she just bought several items for her nephew, Santi (short for Santiago). 

     So anyway, we are at the mall for 5 hours. That’s a really long time. When 6:30pm comes along, the other volunteers get into the van, and I take Hannah and Karen to Walmart. I really needed some sheets for my bed. I forgot some, and I just couldn't imagine living the whole summer without some. 

     I went in for sheets and came out with everything else as well. I’m an awful shopper. I’ll pass buy something that I don’t need and talk myself into buying it. It’s an awful habit. I've gotten better, but still. So after Walmart, we go to the McDonald’s attached to Walmart, and Hannah and I get some food. 

     Then we go to Sonic so Karen can eat. (She doesn't like chicken or burgers). She pronounces it “Sonics”, which is adorable. She gets herself something to eat. The drive back to campus was really nice. Thankfully, even after a year of not being here, I still can find my way around. 

     Back on campus, we relieve Hannah’s car of all of our findings of the day, and store them in the dorms. We go to the lounge to clean up for the private camp that is coming tomorrow and to our amazement, it’s already clean. Unfortunately for Karen, she left her speakers in there the night before, and now she can’t find them. So we walk to the caf in the hopes of finding someone who know what happened to them, but to no avail. 

     We stop in the caf for a while to talk with Karen’s group of people. When we get back into our own dorm, we get everything settled, I prepare my clothes for the next day, and then I drift off to sleep with the sound of Spanish filling the room.

Teen Mania: Round 2

     Well, I'm here!! And the best news I have heard all day is that the WiFi works in my longhouse!!! We left the house about 12:30pm yesterday afternoon, and after getting a drink from Race Trac and lunch from Sonic, we were on our way.

     I was texting Karen the whole way, letting her know when we had gotten off the highway, and when we had arrived. She never responded to me though. Hannah and I arrived about 2:35pm, and pulled up to the gate. Hannah awkwardly rolled her window down to talk to the young lady at the booth.

     When she asked who we were, Hannah just gets this deer in the headlights look, and doesn't say anything. So I intervened. "Hi, we are here to volunteer and our names are Hannah and Mikayla."

     The girl responded, "Oh, you were here last year weren't you? I thought I recognized you!! I am actually your volunteer supervisor! My name is Sarah. I'm waiting for a package to arrive, so you want to meet at my office about 3 o'clock to register?" She was so bubbly and enthusiastic!!

     I said sure. Sounds good. I was actually planning on meeting Karen in the caf. So we pulled through, parked near the caf, and got out of the car. As we entered the caf, I looked around for Karen, but didn't see her.We headed to the restrooms, but they were closed. So we step outside and start heading back to the car to drive down to the longhouses.

     All of the sudden, Sarah pulls up next to us in her car. "Hey, my package just got here, so would you like to go ahead and register now?" We said sure, and then hopped into her car and drove to her office. It was the easiest 10 minutes of my life. All we did was hand her some forms and filled out some other forms. Then we were done.

     I asked her were Karen might be, and she said probably in the lounge. So we headed back to our car and drove to the lounge. I asked Hannah to walk in first since Karen didn't recognize her and I wanted to surprise her. So Hannah opened up the door, and the inside was dark, so we couldn't really see. Hannah just stops at the door and doesn't go in.

     So I entered. I heard a movie playing, and then an "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" And I see this figure jump from the couch and run towards me. Karen practically jumped into my arms (it was super awkward for me). We stand there hugging for like 5 minutes. Another girl gets off the couch. Her name is Jennie, Ulises' sister. We hug. It was a nice reunion.

     They come outside and help unpack some of the car, and take us to the dorm. Karen is just talking, talking, talking. Which I was perfectly okay with because I just love her accent...I could listen to it for days! So we end up back in the lounge, just talking and catching up. Then Karen puts her movie back on (Mama Mia) and we watch about the last 30 minutes or so. And then we start talking again.

     About 4:30pm or so, we head to the caf so that Karen can go to work. Me and Hannah just sit in the caf watching people eat. Awkward, I know. I see all sorts of people that I recognize, though. I just keep pointing them out. And then I see Aimee. I grew up with her, and she is one of the reasons I ended up at Teen Mania.

     We talk for a few moments and then I see someone else. Rachel L. She volunteered with me last year and we became really good friends. So I start talking with her and we talk probably for a good 15 minutes or so. Then she had to leave and I go and sit back down with Hannah.

     We are sitting there for several more moments when I see another girl that I know. Rowan. She was my CA (Core Adviser) when I came to Campus Preview Weekend (CPW) last November. So we talk for a little bit, but then she has to go as well. Wow, how cool. I knew all of the ladies, but wasn't expecting to see them at all on my first day, and here I see all three in under an hour :)

     When dinner has closed, and after Karen does all of her closing jobs, we all head back to the lounge. They start watching a movie, and I go outside to call Mariam, because she was planning on arriving today as well. She didn't pick up, so I called my mom just to let her know we made it safe and everything. During that call, Mariam called.

     So when I got off the phone with my mom, I called Mariam, and we talked for a while She isn't doing well at all, so she said she would try to make it, but not to get our hopes up. I was sad. I am so ready to see Mariam again!! So I go inside and tell Karen what had happened and then after all of that, we start decorating for a surprise birthday party for one of Karen's girls.

     We blow up balloons, turn off the lights and wait for her to come. And wait. And wait. And wait. I thought she would never come. But when she did, we threw the balloons at her and started singing and dancing. She started crying. It was such a good party. It was kinda funny though because me and Hannah were the only white people.

     After the party, me and Karen go for a run with some other girls. Although I didn't run, I rode a bike, but that was still pretty intense. I am sooo out of shape. After the run, we go into the lounge, finish our movie, and go to bed.

   
     First day? Success.

Emily

"No place I'd rather be
No place I'd rather be
No place I'd rather be
Than here in Your love
Here in Your love.

Set a fire down in my soul
That I can't contain
That I can't control
I want more of you God
I want more of you God."

     Last summer, I had the opportunity to volunteer at Teen Mania. While I was there, I met a girl whose name was Emily. She was the sweetest girl I have ever met. And she was sooo hungry for the Lord. She was a new Christian. I've never met anybody quite like her.

     Once I came into the dorm and a girl was having trouble breathing. It was just me and her in the dorm, and she called out for help. She needed to go to the hospital. I was scared and fearful. I tried not to panic, but I was. I called our volunteer supervisor, and he was on his way.

     Meanwhile, me and this girl are in the dorm all alone. I didn't know what to do. And then God sent Emily. She came in, I told her what was happening and she took over. She began praying over this girl, singing, worshiping and loving on God. Her voice was so beautiful!! I was in awe. For about 15 minutes, the only sound in that dorm was her voice, filling it with sweet words to Jesus.

     Our volunteer supervisor eventually arrived and took the girl away, but I was just sooo....speechless. Emily just took over and did great. She did things I had never even thought of. I had a great respect for her.

     She had come to Teen Mania with her best friend, Rachel. Rachel was staying on as an intern, but Emily would be going on a mission trip to Africa, and then she would go back home. The day she was about to sign up to become an African missionary, she and I and three other girls had a bible study. Emily had such powerful insights about the things we talked about. It was such a good day.

     Another time, we went to Sonic. While we were sitting at the outside table, I randomly asked Emily "What is an odd fact about you?" And she thought about it awhile and responded. "Elephants. I love elephants."

     Another time we were hanging out, and we both wanted some coffee. We walked to the coffee shop and realized it was closed, so we went to the store and she bought a drink. We sat at a table for awhile and just talked. And talked. You could just see that she was overflowing with God's love. I felt like I was in His presence when she was around.

     She celebrated her birthday while she was volunteering. She turned 19. Some of the other girls went and bought "birthday supplies" and decorated her bed. They also had a surprise party for her at the pool. I didn't attend, and I regret that now.

     Any way, the reason I am writing this post is to wish her a happy birthday...even though she is not on this earth any more, she made a lasting impact in my life. Although she passed away over a month ago, I just found out today. It was a hard day at work. My mind just cannot comprehend that she is gone.

     The cool thing though, is that when I get on her Facebook page, all sorts of friends are posting on her wall. They're not sad posts...but happy, joyful posts. That she is where she has longed to be. In her heavenly Father's love. In His arms. While I mourn her passing and the fact that she no longer lives here on this earth, I rejoice in that fact that one day I will see her again, dancing and singing at her Father's feet.

Our bible study...she is the girl on the far left

Just Waiting On That One Moment

   
     So, I realize I only ever talk about the Honor Academy, summer volunteering, Teen Mania, etc., but they say where your treasure is, there your heart is also, right? My heart is in Tyler for reasons no one could explain, let alone myself.

     But hey, it's a great place. I mean, when I am there, I feel like I am in a protective covering. Like no harm could ever befall me...strange. I feel more loved, more safe, more spontaneous, more courageous, more joyful, more friendly. I just feel more.
   
     I wander sometimes how a heart could fall in love. Either with a person or place (in my case though, it's a place, haha). I can only say that it's Jesus Christ who makes me feel this way. Who makes anyone feel that way. Just an overpowering sense of awe and beauty over the strangest things. Any mention of it, and you're all ears.

     Yeah, this post is kind of all over the place, but isn't that what blogs for? Like an inside look to your mind?? My mind is just everywhere all at once, and yet it's in the same place. Kinda cool how that works.

     This post doesn't have any spine to it...just a beautiful way to express my feelings without boring people in "real life". Although yeah they can read it on here, but they can skip when they get bored. So you know, it's whatever.

     Sometimes I feel like my life hasn't taken off, like I am just waiting for that one moment to come. Just that one moment. But looking back, my life began when I was born. The first several years were slow, just because I was growing up (and I still am in many ways), but it began nonetheless.

     I look back and I see the first time I left home for a long period of time. I look back to when I got my first job. When I started to drive. When I fell in love. My life is on at full speed and yet I feel like a snail, just waiting for that one moment.

     And that moment could be anything. The second I step onto Tyler soil, that second when I get my passport. When I get to Africa, when I really fall in love. When I get married. When I have a baby....it could be any of those moments...but it's not. It's right here, right now.

     My life is going. The power switch is on. I don't have to wait for that one moment, I just really need to focus on here and now. Here. Right now. Breathe. Take it all in. You only live once. Why wait for that one moment when you could be living in those sixty seconds making up the minute?

     So, while I dance in anticipation for that one moment to come, I can look around at my life and say "You're in that moment. Live in it. Live in the moment. The moment of your life. Because when that one minute is over, there won't be any moments left."

What I've Been Up To The Last 6 Months

     Yeah, so I'm pretty awful at keeping this blog post up...but I've been thinking about blogging for the past few months, and I'm actually sitting down to do it...where to start, where to start...how about where I left off? Back in September, which feels like a lifetime ago.

     I got an application for the nearest Chick-Fil-A, and turned it in about a week later. They liked me and tried to get me an interview that day, but I was unavailable that day. They tried again for the next day, and I realized I was busy then, too. So finally, we both settled on a time which was for the following day in the afternoon. I was hired in my first interview, and my first day was 2 weeks later, which was October 16th.

     My birthday came around on the 19th of October, which was ok. It was my golden birthday, and I had to work that day. The first weekend of November, I went back to TeenMania for a weekend preview for Honor Academy. I invited one of my close friends to go with me, which was really nice. I put in my application for August 2013 to Honor Academy, and I was accepted a mere week later.

     Let's fast forward to Thanksgiving. Mariam and Caleb came into town for the weekend, and we hung out, went Black Friday shopping, played some games, went out to eat, and just had a really enjoyable time. Christmas time came and went. My cousin came in from out of state. That was nice because I hadn't seen him in about a year and a half.

     The new year comes...nothing too exciting for me. I was making friends at work. I felt like I had no life because I was working all the time. February was pretty meh as well...actually, no it wasn't. It was exciting. I had been feeling pretty doubtful about going to HA for a few weeks...I almost didn't want to go. One night when I was having trouble getting to sleep, I allowed myself to think about going to HA in January.

     I had always told myself I would never go in January because that is the harder class. All of my January friends said so. I wanted the challenge, but I let myself believe I was too weak for that. I told myself to go in August, because that's the easier class...even though the August class has its own challenges. I figured those challenges would be enough for me...but I suppose God had other plans.

     So now I am planning on going in January. An overwhelming peace settled over me when I made the decision. It was actually very surprising. So that was it then. I was going in January. That means I was staying home for 5 months longer than I had originally planned. That means there wasn't quite a stress put on me to work all the time to get the money I needed.

     I have a more relaxed pace now (even though I am still working all the time, haha)...so that's that. March has come gently in...nothing too exciting has happened. It is one month closer for my nephew to be born (my sister's due date is April 19th)...so I am getting really excited about that. I'm ready for a new newborn.

   Spring break is next week, and being the family we are, we have nothing planned...a new Walmart just opened up about 10 minutes away, which is really close for us. So yeah, that's about the most exciting news I have in my life right now...but I feel as this year progresses, I'll have wonderful things to share.